Lalaland

Lady ‘A’ finds herself in what she thought a sought after situation. Two years single and ready for a relationship, she wakes one day and finds she has two women in her life. These two women are polar opposites in attitude, looks and lifestyle, but she feels a strong connection to them both. To stay true to female physics, of course within days the situation was getting complicated. So, before she finds herself bed-hopping and calling everyone babe to prevent embarrassing hole digging moments, Lady ‘A’ knows she has to act with integrity and make a decision.

On the one hand there is Lady ‘B’ who is essentially sorted in life; she has issues but ultimately is independent with a strong sense of identity and does not need or want to be rescued by anyone. On the other hand we have Lady ‘C’ who has many fantastic qualities but Kings Cross left luggage is sparse in comparison to the amount of baggage she carries. So who does she choose? Does she choose to rescue and be needed or does she try her luck with independent Lady 'B'? To prevent any confusion she chose Lady ‘C’ leaving ‘B’ bemused, empty-bedded and questioning why this experience feels a little too familiar.

From cave times we have been predisposed for women to be primary care givers and men primary providers. So what happens when the hunter is taken out the equation and you put two care givers together in a relationship? Can two independent strong women, keep their identity and cohabit side by side without driving each other insane before ultimately having a messy break-up around the ‘three year itch’ mark. Or will one naturally, over time, fall into the role of provider whilst the other becomes the carer? Either way when it comes to women you can guarantee all hell will break loose! My god I almost sound bitter! *deep breath and continue in a positive manner*

Why when feeling strong and self-assured would women be attracted to those emotionally challenged? Or are things never quite what they seem and do some women subconsciously search for baggage carriers so they can be distracted from dealing with their own issues? When do we learn we can not rescue others and how do you walk away when waking to find yourself laying next to a screw loose, high maintenance; let’s go on holiday to ‘Lesbo Lalaland’ fruit cake? Good god, I really am having a bitter day! If you consider yourself similar to Lady ‘B’ (as I do), is it ok to admit to feeling vulnerable, in need of some care and not always sorted? After a certain amount of head scratching, confusion and even more bitterness, I was made to look within.

Twenty years ago I lost a lot of family, no not in a park, but through illness. I remember loving my Grandma so much that when she got cancer my tree-climbing, den-building, sea-swimming, tennis-playing; innocent eleven year old world fell apart. Nights alone spent questioning why she was giving in and not fighting this horrible disease or why she was not important enough for divine intervention. Twelve months later and following an admirable heavyweight fight on her behalf, she passed away but this was just the start. For the next few years death sat outside our house eating hob-nobs and playing chess, as he claimed family members one by one. Three years later, a much depreciated family and shares in the local crematorium, my barriers were up and no one was going to cause me that much pain again by leaving!

This was the start of the 'I'm fine era’! Ask any one of my ex's how I am and the response would be 'she's fine'. What they actually meant was 'I'm f**ked if I know, she won't open up to me'. At the beginning of every relationship I am probably a dream girlfriend but as my feelings intensify and I begin to feel vulnerable, guess what? The shutters come down, padlock firmly locked in place and I close up. Until recently I honestly had no idea how much I pushed partners away, frightened at the thought of losing someone close. I am unsure how to move forward, but don’t worry… 'I'm fine'!!!

There is probably a bit of ourselves in all three ladies so my advice is; Lady ‘A’ stand still for a few moments and stop always running to help others first - look after yourself for once. Lady ‘B’ it’s ok to be vulnerable and allow yourself to be rescued sometimes. Lady ‘C’ enlist the services of a professional to help carry some of your baggage, it really does help! Finally for those on the train to Lesbo Lalaland enjoy the ride but for the love of god please get a return fare!