There is something reassuring about even numbers! Three’s a crowd, one can be lonely and you should never watch Party of Five – it is too depressing for words! I have a friend, who has to have the television or stereo volume on an even number; I am not obsessively compulsive like her but I am excited about 2008 because 2007 can only be described as odd! There is no point dwelling on the past and last year was not that bad. I have learnt a lot about myself, life and matters of a less serious nature but now it is time to look ahead as we enter the Chinese year of the Rat!
I could think of more pleasant creatures; however, from legend the ‘Rat Year’ is a time of hard work, activity, and making a fresh start. I could have a thousand resolutions but know they will fall by the wayside so I will stick to one and that’s simple; I will do heart racing, muscle aching, fat burning exercise at least twice a week. Smoking, drinking and eating fried food will hopefully be reduced due to the amount of required exercise. I am optimistically looking forward with a clean slate, a slightly matured attitude and although the future is unknown I am keen to see what it brings.
And what better way to start this fruitful new year than coughing, sneezing, migraines, blocked sinuses and a good dose of the flu. Yep, that’s my last seven days and I am not on the road to recovery yet. Sleep deprivation is sending me a little insane. Laying awake hour after hour, sweating out half my body weight – see there’s a positive in everything – and waiting for morning television to begin so I can experience the new year via Fiona Phillips and Eamonn Holmes. I am so used to wheezing I am beginning to believe breathing is overrated and if I am really lucky I may catch the Norovirus and start vomiting, resulting in a little more weight loss. Small violins weakly play ‘Greensleeves’ wherever I go in this sorrowful, self pitying time… sniff!
House bound and stir crazy the internet has become my friend and I may as well take full advantage during this forced work sabbatical. With the Christmas aisles emptied and the Valentines merchandise filling the shelves, in true rat legend my thoughts are turning to a fresh start. I am ready to get back on the bike and have some female fun. It is time to start dating!
Where better to begin but with the plethora of online lesbian dating sites. Profile pre-written as I may panic under pressure; I have established I am a sociable girl-next-door of average weight, tallish, movie loving, theatre going, tennis playing, outdoorsy, drink occasionally -forward slash- socially and am kicking the smoking habit! I look like Sharon Stone’s younger sister and have a GSOH – good sense of humour- for the acronymally challenged like me.
I am all set. Photo is ready to upload and I have a carefully scripted 250 word bumph about myself including a description of my ideal women, who requires more than just a pulse… honest! Then my works laptop decides it is only to be used researching business related subjects and the firewall will not allow me access to any site with the tags; dating, gay or dar. Bizarrely I can subscribe to Extra Marital which has the subheading ‘Want Discreet Extramarital Affair? Register Free & Meet Someone New’. I was bored, curious and of course I did not register! So ultimately, I have no potential dates or even an opportunity for online flirting; just me, a runny nose and now a full symphony orchestra belting out ‘Only the Lonely’.
Before I can even approach women I need to get out of this flat and go to the internet café or buy my own laptop. At least by stepping outdoors I can get dressed in my now baggy sales wardrobe (still sweating!) and potentially meet a nice lady for some harmless flirting. If at a later stage, dating can be combined with some heart racing, muscle aching exercise then bonus! In the meantime I may need to wait for my eyes to stop streaming, get some colour back in my cheeks and shut this bloody orchestra up otherwise I will not be attractive to anyone!