Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Who to avoid when you start dating

I have been talking to various people about how you know who to avoid when you start dating again and the response is you can just tell, this as some of us know is not true. You would never expect to go on a date with someone who has previously stalked you over the internet, changed their profile, phone number and email address so they can continue to talk to you without you realising. Then steal your credit card to find out where you lived, worked, what you bought and where you hang out? This did not happen to me but it did to someone I know.

My experience was very different and much subtler, I went out with someone with such low self esteem that my personality, life and lifestyle seemed to cause her pain. I had spent 30 years building what I considered to be a full and successful life. I was almost comfortable with myself, I had good friends and family, had travelled extensively; I had a good job and owned my own flat. What I was proud of she appeared to dislike and I was very much in love so I tried to change to make her happy. Of course this did not work, and how arrogant of me to think it would. The clich├ęs is correct ‘you have to love yourself before you can let someone else love you’. That statement did apply to us both, I was far from perfect and made many mistakes. See female therapy part one if you want to know the outcome!

I recently joined a lesbian dating/chatting website and I realise it’s crucial to have a level of understanding about what I am looking for before I start. What is my type? And more importantly who should I avoid at all costs? The internet experience started off promising and is now steadily moving downhill. We start chatting, getting on well, finding out we’ve lots in common and then out come the photos and I have to experience that sinking feeling because they just don’t seem to be my type. Picky I know but sometimes you have to be, even if it is a bit shallow. The worst thing is I have lost track of who I have messaged so I may be accidentally stalking someone and not even know it.

How do we know when someone should be avoided (and please be forgiving of the numpties who accidentally stalk you, they could be like me and forgetful)? I would recommend you ask the following when meeting anyone new:

1. Do you like animals?
2. What is your favourite film?
3. Have you ever parked outside an ex’s house just to watch?

If the answer to question 1 is a definite no to all animals, then run away, there is something odd about a person who does not like any animals. I think it shows an overly controlling personality and lack of emotional sympathy and empathy for anything that breathes. If the answer to question 2 is 'Untamed Hearts' I would also recommend you turn about quickly and keep on searching. There is no psychological reason it just comes from experience! If you need to know the answer to question 3 then you should probably be avoided or go now to therapy.

If, however, you share common interests, have similar moral values and are sexually attracted to each other then go for it and have fun.

I have previously mentioned a type and for me that’s a beautiful women who has the ‘wink factor’. Someone who is comfortable with themselves and their life; she is funny, confident, open, loving and caring. Not jealous and very trusting. So where does the wink come in...I’m at a works do or a party and Ms Right doesn’t know anyone, I look across the room and I see her talking comfortably to a group of strangers, making them laugh and she looks over at me and she winks. That wink symbolizes someone who has the all the qualities I listed above .This person would like my life, treat it with respect, want to be part of it and vice versa.

I am happy to say I have more now than I had at 30 years old because at 33 all those dislikable elements in my life are still there and I have a much greater understanding of myself, people and who to avoid.

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