Saturday, October 13, 2007

Bi-phobia

Saturday morning and I’m piecing my Friday night together. Work, pub, no food and a bottle of wine. I also have a hazy recollection of having an internet argument with Catwoman about whether I was biphobic! No it is not having two phobias, but someone who has a dislike for people attracted to both sexes. Judging from my head ache this morning I doubt my responses were very intelligent.

With a large coffee in front of me, I cringe and check the 'Lesbian Guide to London' notice board, and to my surprise I really think I have offended certain people. The last comment suggesting there is 'no place for biphobia on a notice board intended for lesbian and bisexual women'.


These biphobia complaints stem from my ideal partner check list, where I stated I wanted to go out with someone 100% gay, in order to avoid driving myself insane thinking they may leave me for a man.

I have continued to think about the issue of biphobia over the weekend and having read the more recent comments posted-you know what? I do agree with those who responded. I did, however unintentionally, act discriminately to a group of people and yes, it is completely illogical to fear a bisexual woman would leave you for a man.

Through my own experience and in order to save my sanity in a future relationship, it is my choice to be with someone who knows they only want to be with women but following this debate, I'm questioning that! What I actually want is to be with someone so comfortable with their sexuality that it is not an issue. Also someone who wants to be in a relationship with minimal complication; I am certain this later desire is unachievable!

What I am struggling with is when does a bisexual woman become classed as a lesbian, or do they not? For example, I was with men, I then fell in love with a woman. If I had to be categorised then I was bisexual as never ruled men out. After 10 years, no men and several female relationships later, I would have to label myself as gay. So, if you are in a long term relationship and you want to spend your lives together does that woman label herself as gay or if asked does she always say she's bisexual? I have a suggestion to the gay/bi community, why not delete all labels and just be women who like women, if not all of the time?

A phobia is an excessive fear, dislike and a desire to avoid the feared subject. I have a phobia for spiders, legwarmers and extremists whether political or religious. I am afraid of people who blow planes up or hang out on Clapham Common waiting to beat and murder gay people. What I am not afraid of are women who like both sexes. I would not provoke lesbians bi-bashing online or in the Candy Bar. Where do we draw the line with political correctness and is biphobia really as issue? Are the owners of the website biphobic because unless reading the terms & conditions there is no mention of bisexual women?

This debate has broadened my opinion and altered my perception of sexuality. At the end of the day the one thing I do know is regardless of sexual preference, women are complicated. Thankfully and appropriately I will be spending the next 2 days in Resilience Training!

12 comments:

Puca said...

Yes it is biphobic to think that a bisexual person will leave you for a man, just like it would be considered racist if you refused to be involved with women a certain ethnicity for fear that they'll leave you for somebody of the same race.

Anonymous said...

The messageboard you refer to plainly states in the membership agreement that you would have had to agree to ino order to be able to join that the messageboard is for lesbians and bisexuals alond with a coupld of other categories such as FtM who still have links and MtF transgendered people.

Anonymous said...

Not only is it bi-phobic, it's also illogical. Why take bisexuality as the key to your past bad experience? Might as well assume that all women will mistreat you or that love always ends badly, and just take a vow of celibacy!

Margi said...

Ok, before I start... i don't think that a bisexual woman is any more likely to leave you for a man than a lesbian would leave you for another woman.

The point I'd like to make is that I would never go out with a bisexual woman. That does NOT make me biphobic. I'm a lesbian which means that I don't go out with men - shock horror. That does not mean that I am manphobic. I am also not attracted to redheads - this does not make me gingerphobic.

In this age of over-sensitivity and political correctness, everyone is very quick to take offence and jump to other's defences.

Your blog is shaping up nicely and is becoming a thought-provoking and entertaining read. What I would hate is if you held back from now on just in case you might offend people. You have a unique voice - use it.

Female therapy said...

Thank you all for making comments, as you will now see my angle has changed dramatically and I do agree with all the comments. I do want to be with a gay women, but through this debate my opinion has changed on is there really a difference, we are all still women.. and believe me I am not concerned about a women leaving me for a man any longer! At the end of the day women are complicated and relationships even more so.. I did use words unfairly with little thought and if I open up a blog for the world to see then I should expect the criticism I have received... and you have to admit I jumped straight into that hole.

For Marge, It'll be interesting to see the response to gingerphobia! Thank you for your comments something positive and believe me on another web area the lesbian community are not being kind at the moment. I will not hold back I promise :)

Anonymous said...

I'm Indian, but I would never date an Indian..does that mean I am Indian-phobic?

Go ahead, use words, descriptions that you want..everyone is so worried about not offending anyone else that it's all become a bit too boring. Provoking reading..excellent

yorkie said...

uuummmm.... you are not "bi phobic", you just stated that your ideal partner would be confident and happy with themselves. I think what you mean by 100% gay (possibly not the best choice of wording) was that you want a partner who knows exactly where they are at as far as their personality and sexuality goes, and who can blame you after spending two and a half years with the purple loving, animal hating, girlfriend from hell.

So who ever comes along for you, and they will because you are top banana you want to be able to have loads of fun time rather than heavy working through issues time.

love the blog and miss you xxxx

Female therapy said...

Hi, now that's even more interesting. I’m sure some would say that's racism, generalisation and discrimination even though it is against your specific racial background. I think you will have your reasons and who's to judge x

Female therapy said...

Thanks yorkie, and yes you summed up far more eloquently what I wanted to say. You obviously have been reading from the start as the purple was replaced to favourite films, it got too confusing!! x

Tess said...

Thank God! Another woman has finally said it! Women ARE complicated! Excrutiatingly so! (Just for the record I'm not being woman-phobic - can't be too careful round here it seems!) I don't think for a minute you were being bigoted. Some people are so touchy - I'm guessing you were the stress-reliever for Catwoman. Don't worry, people like that are permanently wired into their hard drives and gradually lose a grip on reality. They even have their groceries delivered by Ocado so they don't have to leave the house. I had a friend like that once - she became agoraphobic but guess what? She managed to get her fat arse through the front door quick enough when her chip pan caught on fire!

Keep writing coz I want to keep reading.

x

Female therapy said...

Tess, there is nothing I can to say to that but you have really made me laugh!

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